Every Pathetic Twilight FanFic
by TwilightFanpire33213
Summary: All the overused and annoying Fanfic plots! You can submit any ideas you have, but i can't guarantee i will use it
1. JacobxBella

Every Pathetic Twilight Fanfic!!!!!!!!!!!

Bella X Jacob: So Edward never came back for Bella and she went through her whole depressed phase, and now it's like 4-6 years later and she is still going through random flashbacks of the love they shared for like 3 months. But then she does the whole "Oh it's okay, I'm over him, I don't love Edward Cullen any more" then she walks into a dark room and bows to her Edward-Shrine. Then the children that she had, that are somehow magically 10 years old even though she has been married for three years, run in and she hugs them. Then Jacob walks in and she's like, "Hi Jacob, My not-love." And then he's just like, "Hi, now I'm going to say something rude so the whole WORLD hates me!" Then he leaves to be super-wolf and Bella go's somewhere in Fork's that she totally need to be at, a place that she would go to all the time… like an empty parking lot!!!!!!! Then wouldn't you know it Edward jumps out of the tree's and say's, "Bella I was wrong to leave for 4-6 years and totally abandon you to try and make it through the loss of… (Drum roll) ME! Because you know I still love you and I totally would have talked to you about this like three years ago… you know before you got married and had little puppies, but you were on the reservation, and I can't go there, cause you know I'm a vampire… and stuff." Then she is going to have an inner battle which will basically be this: _**Edward can't really be telling the truth… yes he can… no he can't… I love him… I'm not pretty enough to love him… What about Jake and my 2-3 10 year old children that grow in super speed …Screw it, we can make it work with love! **_Then she will jump into his arms and say, "Edward, I don't care that you caused me horrible pain and misery in my life for years by leaving me with no memories of you and without my permission. I also don't care that I have a husband and children, they can go die in a hole or something, all I care about is that I love you!" Then Edward will be like, "Bella, I love you even though you are so much older then me in human years that the state will probably try to arrest you for being with me, and I love you so much that I haven't even taken into consideration the fact that you have a whole life without me, a husband, and children! YAY!" Then they will merrily frolic back to Jacob's house and Bella will be like, "Haha, Screw you Fang, we are in love again and I am leaving you and the children to go be with Dracula over there." Then Jacob will be like, "Ahh, vampire on the reservation! Usually I would totally go all wolfy on your ass, but I have a big announcement… today while Bella went to hang out at that deserted parking, like she always does… because you know that's totally normal… I IMPRINTED! Wow isn't it weird how we both miraculously found the people we love and are meant to be with on the same exact day, at the same exact time!" Then he will look over to Bella to see how she feels, only to find that her and Eddie-poo are making out already.

**THE END**


	2. JasperXBella

Jasper X Bella

Okay so for whatever reason, all the Cullens except Alice and Edward went away for a while, then Bella goes over to their house without any invitation, because you know, she doesn't need one, she is Bella for God's sake!! Now she walks into the house and she passes Edward's room and hears moaning so she thinks something totally rational, for example, _**Wow I'm standing in front of the door of my dearest lovey-love Edward, whom I love with all the love of my loving love heart, love love love love. Wow, I hear a lot of noise coming from the of my personal gift from God, the sadistic vampire, they must be playing music, or possibly they are debating which one of them loves me more… that's probably it, I will go in and settle their fight right now. **_Then she will open the door and be like, "GASP! Edward my baby bear of heart breaking love, you don't have to fight with Alice over me, and why is she naked? Oh, you must have torn off her clothes in a fit of rage, then done the same to yourself, then you leapt on her and I walked in." Then Edward, not getting off of Alice will be like, "Oh, Bella I- OH GOD ALICE- love you, please forgive me, I really do- OH, OH, OH, AHHHH!!! Never mind, you know what, I don't love you, bye." Then she will run off crying pathetically. After her depression faze, she will be visited by Victoria, who decides that, rather than killing her, she will change her. Now it's one hundred years later, and Bella decides that it would be both fun and non-painful to go to Forks High, which is miraculously still standing one hundred years later. When she gets to the school, she will be hit on by Matthew Newton (or some other name along those lines) and he will be like, "Hey there sexy stranger, you know, you look like a girl I saw in a picture of my great-great granddad, who I am completely like, because since we are distantly related we are in fact the same person. Let's go have sex in a classroom now." Then out of the total blue, a sexy yet vaguely familiar blonde kid will be all, "Hey Newton, leave her alone or I will go all southern vampire on your little self." Then she will go, "Jasper, you know before today, I never noticed that you are both hot and fine… oh shit now I'm in love with you." Then they will take each others hands and skip off into the sunset, not realizing that they are just on rebound. Then about 2 weeks to 1 month later, they will be sitting in their new house and someone will knock on their door and Bella will go, "Wow, someone is knocking on the door, but even with my super-vampy powers I can't hear a heartbeat… It must be a walking tree!" Then the door will open and surprise, surprise its… Edward and Alice!!! So Edward will be like, "Bella I want to get back together now, one hundred years later, mainly because I'm bored of the midget and I want to do you and your sexy vamp ass." Then she will be like, "Jasper and I are happy without you and your… sexy copper hair, amazing smile, pretty eyes, and velvet voice." So then she will pretend that she doesn't love Edward, and she and Jasper will walk into the sunset… again.


	3. Nessie Find out about Jacob&Bella's Past

**Nessie finds out about Jacob and Bella's Past:**

It's about six years later, and they are all sitting in their home in Forks.

They have not yet been questioned about the fact that they have lived in Forks for ten years and have not aged a bit, because you know… they are just cool like that.

Suddenly Renesmee, who looks twenty five or so by now will be like,

"Hey Bella," She is no longer mom because that would attract attention, she is now Bella, Renesmee's little sister… wow… degrading much?

"You and Jacob used to be in love, right?" Then they will all be like,

"Wow… way to make this family gathering awkward, you creature."

Then after a long and awkward conversation, most of which is skewed to make it seem like Jacob is both the bad guy, and a rapist, Nessie will run off crying, and Bella will say,

"Wow, I can't believe she is upset about the fact that her soul mate was once in love with her mother… I mean it's not weird at all or anything. I guess I should go talk to her"

She will get up to go, but Edward will grab her by the leg and say,

"Now Bella my dearest love, you know that you could hurt yourself, walking up the stairs is dangerous for such a frail vampire like yourself. Alice, go talk to Nessie."

Then after Edward is beaten up by Bella, Alice will be all,

"Shop, shop, shop? Shop shop shop shop! Shop."" Because that is in fact all she thinks about. Then she will run upstairs to console Nessie with talk of tank tops and sale racks.

For about fifteen chapters or so… absolutely nothing will happen. So to be quick I will give a brief synopsis,

Nessie and Jake will fight a lot, Edward will threaten Jake a few times, Seth will randomly join the story to eat all of the Cullen's food, Leah may or may not walk in on a bitchy rampage and immediately leave, never to be seen again, Emmet will make 2-3,000 stupid comments, and Alice will give Bella a few dozen makeovers.

Then finally something semi-important, usually involving the Volturi, will bring the family together again, for two weeks or so… then all of the crap from before will resurface and continue to cause problems…

But it's okay because the story cuts off before that part.

**THE END**


	4. Edward leaves Bella and she has a Baby

Edward leaves and Bella has their kid:

So Edward and Bella have sex, only once though, (he has super-sperm) and then he inexplicably leaves her, but you know, he can do whatever the hell he wants; he is Edward Frikin Cullen! Cue screaming fan girls.

So now it has been a few years, and they had a son, his name is Anthony, ALWAYS Anthony. He has bronze hair, green eyes, he is a gentleman, he likes to climb into peoples rooms and watch them sleep, and he plays the piano, in essence…he IS Edward Cullen.

So then her two best friends Rosalie and Alice will be like,

"So Bella, we are going to hold a long and probably quite painful conversation about Edward with you now. We really just enjoy your pain. Now we are going to talk about how much Anthony looks like Edward, because it's fun to watch you cry."

Then Emmet or Jasper will come in to take Anthony somewhere, and Bella will break down crying in the middle of the room.

While trying to avoid being seen with the crazy girl, they will run right past a very familiar bronze haired man.

So Edward will go up to Bella and be all buddy-buddy with her even though he totally ditched her after getting what he wanted, and she will have an internal battle over whether or not she should tell him about Anthony, it will go something like this,

_**Edward deserves to know about his son… No he doesn't… Yes he does… I'm not pretty enough to tell him… He always wanted a family… He probably already fell in love with someone prettier, therefore, more deserving to be loved… I will just not tell him because he deserves someone prettier than me and my him-clone son.**_

So then she will conveniently steer him off course with smart comments made for easily changing the subject,

"So Bella, did you ever start a family?" He will ask, then she will wave her hand in front of his face and say,

"These are not the droids you're looking for."

After cleverly evading his questions with her Jedi mind powers, they will talk constantly and act basically like an awkward couple, no one in town will be curious as to how it seems her son has disappeared off the planet, he does that kind of thing often.

So then one day they will be at someplace that a guy would take a girl for friendly conversation, like the tunnel of love, and Edward will go,

"Oh my dearest Bella, I think that I have fallen in love with you."

That of course was the much shorter version, as the long one consists of overwhelming amounts of fluff and romance crap.

Then of course right before Bella can respond, Anthony will walk in the room and go say to Bella,

"Mom, here I am, your son, Anthony, who still has yet to meet his father, but does know his mother, because, you know, it's you and stuff.."

Then Edward will be like,

"Is this… your son?" Then, Bella will nod her head sadly, and Edward, not having the common sense to pick up that he is the father of the child will go cry in a corner.

Then Anthony, being the smarty that he is, will say something along the lines of,

"Mommy, you told me that my daddy's name was Edward Cullen."

Then after sharing that totally relevant piece of information, he will just disappear again… he enjoys that.

Edward will go crazy on her and be all,

"Bella, what the hell?! You didn't tell me that I had a son! Even though I ditched you after we had sex, left you to be alone through the pregnancy, to go through the hardships involved in being a teen mother, and to raise a son by yourself, doesn't mean that you had the right to not tell me about the son I gave you."

During this rant, Edward will have started pacing, now he is just running in circles in general.

"You know, if I wasn't to busy spinning right now, I would totally bitch-slap you."

Then for some reason, Bella will, once again break down crying and say,

"I know Edward, it's all my fault. Even though you knocked me up and then dumped me, you still had the right to invade my life once again, after all you are Edward Frikin Cullen!" Cue screaming fan girls.

Then Edward will dramatically storm out of the building, and at the exact minute Edward left, purely by coincidence, everyone's favorite werewolf will walk in,

"Hey Bells, I am going to proceed to say something absolutely horrible so that everyone hates me. Now that that ship had sailed, I'm going to give you advice so sweet and caring, that if the author hadn't been a bitch and made me say the other line, everyone would have wanted this to turn into a story that I would win… Not that I would mind… hint, hint author."

Then Bella will be like,

"You know what Jake, your right, I'm not going to let him hurt, I'm going to go apologize to him and tell him that I still love him."

Then she will skip off, leaving a very confused Jake,

"Wait… I said 'You know Bell's, anyone that makes you cry, isn't worth crying over, and anyone that is, will never make you cry. Hmm… I have the feeling that she wasn't listening to me."

And that's the last we will ever see of him in the story… or is it?

Now, 3-5 hours later, after a long and EXTREMELY boring apology/forgiveness scene which I don't really want to have to write, where Bella apologizes constantly… but Eddie-poo never does… They will walk into the room full of all the friend's they ever had, which ironically consists only of the Cullen family, if your lucky, Charlie, and if you are like super-special, you might even get a few members of the pack.

"We have some important news, WE ARE GETTING ENGAGED!"

Now after getting beat a few times by Charlie for leaving Bella, Edward will walk up to her and give her a passionate kiss.

Finally, right before the story ends, Rosalie will walk up to Bella, put her hand on her shoulder, and say, "See, I told you everything would work itself out." Then Bella will turn around staring at her incredulously, **(I know big word right?!) **

"What have you been smoking? This didn't just fall into place! I almost didn't get my happy ending because of stupid Edward!"

Then after a very messy fight, which ended the engagement… Bella will run into the arms of say,

"Jacob you still love me right?"

" …Actually Bells, I am in love with someone else now… her name is Vanessa. The day that you totally ignored me to go be with Edward even after I gave you some kick-ass advice, I realized that you are nothing but a selfish Mary-Sue in this story, and so I went to the park to think, that's where I met her. It was like love at first sight."

After finishing his speech, he will realize that, rather than listening to him, Mary-Sue… I mean Bella, is in Edwards arms, telling him that she will always love him, then him and Vanessa will just start making out.

**THE END.**


	5. Edward's a Player

**Edward is a Player that Randomly Falls in Love with Bella-**

So Edward Cullen (who is a human, but still totally perfect!) is strutting- not walking, he's too good for that- strutting down the hallway at his high school, when he is attacked by the horde of girl's.

Somehow or other, Fork's High School is suddenly teeming with hot girls. Like, so many that there are absolutely no Non-Cullen guys at the school… hmm.

So Edward is sitting there patiently waiting while the girls all like practically rape him. And he is just standing there, because obviously he is just the misunderstood good guy, who absolutely hates all girls whose names don't rhyme with Ella Pawn.

Suddenly, in an over-exaggerated fall that took out half the right corridor of the school, Bella Swan clumsily trips in. Everyone suddenly runs over to fawn and worry about her. Nobody really notices that whole corridor of kid's she took out. But it's ok because it was only the _**band**_ hall…

Edward looks up from the two strippers and four underwear models that are currently trying to seduce him, totally not at all interested. Then he see's Bella and thinks to himself: _**Wow, it's so cute the way she knocked over that poor, defenseless freshman. One day I will marry her.**_ While he decided this, the strippers and models had a pillow fight and started throwing their chastity rings into a large fireplace.

But he didn't notice… Bella just singlehandedly knocked down an entire section of the library. Aww…

So now Bella is sitting in the cafeteria, somehow she managed to make it all the way there without murder, how lucky! She see's Edward sitting there staring intently at her while drawing huge hearts on the face of either Jasper or Stalker Girl #2. Looking at him, she turns to Jessica and says, "What do you think he wants?" As if it was not PAINFULLY obvious. Then Jessica, finally given the rare invitation to talk, will launch into a two-hour long monologue about how he only wants to get into Bella's pants, because that's all he ever wanted, sex.

Then Bella will put the duct tape back on Jessica's mouth and turn to look at Edward while thinking; _**well that makes sense. He looks like a guy only looking for sex. **_While looking at Edward, he will pray three times, shift his rosary beads at least once, rescue a small animal, save a couple of orphans from a burning building of some sort, then get back to his table, not a hair out of place, and still have time to watch (without having any interest) the end of the bikini wrestling match going on in the pool of Jell-O. _**Yep sex.**_

After 6-10 chapters of arguments, jealous friends, and strange random assaults on Edward's purity, they will be in a generally rocky and unstable relationship. YES! That was exactly what we were going for!

Then suddenly, after ALL the shit that has happened, either Tanya, (who now attends Fork's High. She flies down from Alaska. Every day) Jessica or Lauren will suddenly convince Bella that he cheated on her. She will run crying from school to a park or something like that, not caring that it is the middle of the school day.

Now because, obviously, Edward has to be the good guy, Bella is going to be attacked. It doesn't matter that it's the middle of the day and that there are probably people around.

Suddenly, it is a dark and stormy night, and a rapist suddenly goes after her! She runs and runs but he chases her. Suddenly she remembers something she saw on TV. on how to avoid capture when being chased. She runs behind the tree, and comes out fully disguised! Unfortunately, she remembers that she saw it on Scooby Doo. The rapist isn't fooled.

So all hope seems lost for Bella Swan right? **WRONG**! Super-Edward swoops in to save the day! And could you believe it; the seventeen year old boy can single-handedly beat up the old rapist while keeping her safe and calling the police! Isn't he just _**swell**_?

So after she wakes up in the hospital Edward goes in and asks her out. Unfortunately, she is so drugged that nobody really knows what she said. But it obviously **MUST** have been a yes. He **IS** Edward Cullen after all.

**THE END**


End file.
